She was like a white Oprah, but with less conviction.
this morning i realized i came home with more condoms then i left. burn.
On 3 separate occasions, she grabbed my bullhorn to announce to the entire party she had fucked me.
You made me pull over because you thought a leaf was a twenty rolling across the road.
I'm sorry I came to your house drunk and fed pizza to your dog.
So I'm guessing that puking on a camper is a straight path to instant termination?
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
I just really don't even know what I would do with a boyfriend... Like do I just kiss it and then leave it in the corner? Like how often does it eat??
If I win the lottery I'm going to hire someone to skywrite "FUCKTARD" over his house. That much anger.
Let's put a bunch of beers in a backpack and shotgun them in a Red Lobster bathroom
Question: the touchscreen on my phone randomly quit working, do you think this could be a latent reaction from me peeing on my phone last weekend?
I wasn’t trying to be creepy it just happened
I’m beginning to think that’s your defining personality trait.
I am not a whore. I just wanted casual drinking, monogamous sex and occasional McDonald's runs.
Um. I just realized I still have a beer in my purse from last night. I'm at work. I am so classy.
That man fucks like a champ. The sex was so good I did him again in the morning just to be sure
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