I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
dinner at cheesecake factory: $40. drinks at yard house: $50. having sex in the VG parking lot while people are staring at you awkwardly: priceless. Goodnight.
he pissed his pants, and she still wants to hook me up with him. I try not to date guys with bladder control problems... Unless they're loaded anyway.
Why is it that you only get to have sex when you haven't shaved your legs in six weeks and are wearing period stained granny panties?
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
he thought he was parachuting out of a plane... talk about a bad trip.
omg. don't know how to spell his name, but hot new zealand guy's dick is magic
He tricked me...the first song on his sex mix was trey songz but the rest were techno....i can't walk straight now
Something about getting head on stairs. I don't know.
He appeared on my 7th floor fire escape and sang to me and jimmy through the window when we fucked. He's like a drunken mix of Sinatra and Spiderman.
Well I'm drunk and covered in baby oil so tonights not ideal
As a 47 yo who just boned a 22 yo, it was definitely a walk of pride. She is a major feather in my aging cap.
Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka
Your vagina doesn't want to be violated with garnishes. I get it.
Because it's not worth it. And there is no nice way of saying "sorry, you're not good enough at sex for me to drive 45 mins"
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