I hope you fall in a pool of honey in an immensely populated region of bears.
I woke up with a Nike swoosh shaved into my chest hair. my friend got 3 stitches. my phone had a text that simply read "fuck you". I say it was a good party.
She's like the pied piper of lesbians.
One of my preschool students told me today that it's not pollution that makes the water in lakes unclean. It's the hobos. I was absolutely speechless. And just so proud.
Just asked the bartender if I could use the register to see my grades.
I had no where to run... The dumpster sounded like a good idea at the time
hey. so did i get tied up by a jumprope last night?
My mom just admitted you were a good looking kid & if you weren't my friend & 30 years older she would do you. I'm going to commit suicide.
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
I tried to get you something for Valentine's Day too but they said they couldn't deliver skittles and ecstasy :(
At what part of the night did you guys leave?
After my hot tub cannonball.
some how during sex we caught an ENTIRE pillow on fire. A WHOLE PILLOW.
He tried to introduce me to one of his friends that kept looking at me and I said "OH NO! I can't do this shit anymore!!" It was like I had a vision of what drunk me would've done in about 20 minutes.
I remember being like "I can't hold both of you guy's hair back!" so I put headbands on each of you
I was grinding with girl while I was eating french fries, and she turned around to hook up with me. She ate my fries.
Randomize
