I gave them both handjobs at the same time. Felt like I was skiing
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
I walked in on you rubbing your nose all over his face while straddling him and yelling "I'M SO SORRY!" repeatedly. I'd say you were in pretty good shape at that point in the night.
I woke up in the closet and then I found my shirt in a bag of Doritos... how does that work out?
Do you have any idea how horrifying it is to hear your sister and her husband fucking then immediately go down stairs only to hear your parents fucking....... I wish I was Hellen Keller right now.
"Shots" of grape juice. I fucking hate Utah soooo fucking much.
Guy, there will be accountabilities this weekend that you will need to respond to, or else.
Eating pizza and drinking wine while I watch the Victoria's Secret Fashion Show. The wine is for reducing the pain of falling asleep with more insecurities than what I woke up with.
Do I go to spinning class and try to redeem myself from going drunk, or do I wait a week and hope they forget I fell of the bike?
I vaguely remember making out with some dude. Please tell me he had all of his teeth.
Your the only person I know that needed stiches after a Monday morning conference call. How are you in your 20s? How
who are you talking about my vagina to?!
Stole my 7th stop sign and 3rd speed limit sign last night. Not even sure how because they were bolted to a cement wall. Tequila gives you strength you didn't know you had.
THAT BEAUTIFUL FACE AND HEAVENLY LIGHTING IS NOT HELPING THE NOT DEAD POINT HOW DO I NOT KNOW YOU ARE NOT TEXTING ME FROM THE AFTERLIFE
The after life smells like latex gloves and hand soap
What's your fascination with fucking to the Lion King Soundtrack?
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