you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
She pulled a cheeseburger out of her purse. I have missed her so much.
ive come to the point where weve hung out more times sober than drunk. i think im growing up. fuck.
It was as if you forgot how to speak normally. All of your words came out either backwards or in song form
I don't think going to Relay for Life and painting our faces while everyone stares at us is a sufficent late night after the bars.
Btw before you ask, the dr said there's no way shoving his dick that far down my throat is why i got laryngitis
I just puked so hard I pissed myself. Outta my ass. I just won hangover of the century.
June 16th my calendar just says boobietassels....I can only assume that has to do with you
The strip clubs here are like a safari of penis, and I'm gonna bag me a rhino.
Fucking that physical therapist guy was the best decision I ever made.
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
He told me I have nice nipples. You can't just tell someone that and then leave the state!
For an hr, you were convinced you no longer had a right arm so you played Super Mario Bros with just your left hand vs Beth. You won btw, mite b why she refused to wear the unicorn head
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
I tried to fuck you in my bathroom while my parents were in the next room. I am a clusterfuck of fun.
Randomize
