Wish i knew that 10 minutes ago when i told him to dance with my blackberry while i got another drink
She told me she couldnt give me head last night because she was running out of listerine
I'm going to rise like a phoenix out of the drunken, shameful ashes that were last weekend.
so i was dancing to the glee soundtrack with highheels. i tripped. and the dildo fell on my face. i dont know what happened.
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
I feel like I have streams of color and coldness wrapping around my body.
you almost dropped the shot glass then you thought you were such a hard ass for catching it that you slammed it on the table and broke it
Umm... How do I tell my roommate someone shot a speargun through the wall? On a side note, cliff shot a speargun for the first time.
There was probably a tattoo above her soulless vagina that read 'it's a trap!' Yet you ignored it
We can't tell anyone we fucked because I'm still trying to get with your friend. Is she coming next weekend?
Who am I sleeping next to in your bed? Where are you? Also when are you coming home... I need coffee.
Do you congratulate someone for having bigger tits, or is that a no no?
The cops spotted my on my walk of shame down the boardwalk and gave me a ride home. I'm starting to make a name for myself here.
Any idea why my ass cheeks are bruised again?
The fact that theyre bruised AGAIN means you're not adult enough to know why.
She's not answering my calls
Well it sounds like you really fucked up
WHO HOLDS A GRUDGE OVER MEMES
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