Just seen on a tshirt : "fake titties taste funny"
I served up a girl her first a2m the other day. You would have been proud.
How did currency from Costa Rica make it's way into my wallet...?
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
So much beer in the passenger seat the seatbelt light is blinking
i was drunk enough to give the cab driver my number when he said "you talk like you like guys"
Can I just say that you're probably one of my favorite people to have sex with and then eat hummus with at 3:45am?
i ended up eating cold sauceless spaghetti out of the container in the fridge with my hands.
LETS THROW SHIT OFF THE PORCH
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
And besides a nice relationship, I just really want to get laid damnit
Dude. I need you to practice dancing around in your banana hamock. Party boy style. I'll call later with details.
I'm super depressed and stressed and I just want spaghetti and sex...
He looks like Aladdin, and that's about all he's got going for him.
i woke up this morning from the best one night stand. i made the guy mickey mouse pancakes for breakfast and when i walked back into the bedroom he said "marry me"
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