My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
He told me that "my little fuckpig" was a term of endearment in Britain. I think I'm in love.
at that time a 4 pound meatball stuffed with pizza rolls seemed more important than bailing you out of jail.... sorry.
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
I mean, I gave him a hand job on the Pearl Harbor tour bus; I don't know what the fuck else he wants out of this "relationship"
We fucked to showtunes. Never going out with a theatre major ever again.
i want to live in a society where a 20 year old can wear pigtails and not get them called handlebars, because i look fucking adorable in them.
Can I tell you that I just incorporated the spice girls in my sexting and you not judge me
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
He just used the word frick. Is that a possible red flag?
You were petting a 40 year old man's moustache for 15 minutes
Honestly who turns down a free blowjob?
He got up in the middle of the show and returned with this massive ham shank, then offered me some by asking "wanna suckle on my hog." Should I be offended?
I am witnessing a blind guy whip ass at beer pong
Go ahead without me. This chick is buying me drinks and just found out her husband is cheating on her. I think I just found the next level of revenge fucking: Scorned Trophy Wife Sex
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