I puked a lego.
totally poinked my lawyers daughter in his hot tub last night. i figure getting off is just compensation for not getting me off.
He said finals are more important than getting stoned on 4/20. I'm proud in a disappointing kinda way
Jenna and Ryan are ranting and raving about child custody. MY VASECTOMY SMILES.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Referring to yourself in third person during sex is apparently an instant turn off
Ok so in the last 18 months I have now driven four different dudes into counseling. I'm like heroin with a vagina.
I got a dollar bill stuffed into my bra on two separate occasions by two separate guys simply for having boobs. I feel like somewhere god is patting himself on te back while pointing at me goin "you're welcome dude." easiest two bucks I ever made.
im starting to recognize places in this city by where i have drunkenly peed in public
You will never be paid again to get drunk and tell off cops without being arrested. Once in a lifetime opportunity
You're right. Fuck my job. I'm in.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Liquor doesn't fix sad, but it sure as hell lowers my standards for a rebound.
I vaguely remember us chasing shots by licking each other's faces last night. Our friendship has reached another level completely.
I DID MY EXPERIMENTING. FOUR YEARS OF IT. IN HIGH SCHOOL.
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
I told ya. I'm super awesome at making things super awkward. I'm the Awkwardnator.
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