the guy in front of me just bought a pound of bacon, a bouquet, and a case of budlight, i want to see THAT makeup sex
The freshman came home at 9 this morning with one heel, no pants, and a strangers sweatshirt covered in tequila-scented vomit. I think we're done corrupting her for a while.
i think im the only person who makes thank you cards for their drug dealer
A girl just told me she printed out my pictures and taped them on her wall. I have to stop sleeping with virgins.
When I said to shut up, I meant it. I'm sorry you have a bald spot now, but it was necessary.
He fucked me so hard I might have to go to the hospital for internal bleeding
Can I have him when you're done?
So the night ended when we tried making fireworks out of gunpowder and oregano. You can figure out how that went.
How the hell do you leave a party with a kitten? It's missing and everyone knows it was you.
I seriously have her in my phone as "Legit 8"...even I'm surprised
So my class is approximately two vomits from the bus stop. Happy first day of class
I'm definitely not going to be able to fuck him high. I won't be able to not laugh at his man boobs
I feel like sleeping with foreign people is a long term investment. It's like a time share. Now when I go to London I have a place to stay.
I need water and some morals
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
So! As of five minutes ago I've officially masturbated in every room in my apartment
Dude, I helped you move in yesterday...
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