at church Sunday morning I dropped an M&M down my dress and it landed in my bra. I fished it out and ate it. A lot of people saw me.
is it bad that I only want to go to my boyfriends house bc I want to see his roomate walk around with his shirt off?
Thats the worst face I've ever seen you make an I've seen you throw up in your own hair.
that beer fried lasagna last night was sooo good
that wasnt beer fried lasagna, you just poured beer on my lasagna
My autobiography is now tentatively titled "I'm Fucking the DJ, and Other Ways to Party for Cheap"
This guy just tried to hit on me on facebook. His most recent listed education is middle school. This is my life.
You kept showing the cop the bruises on the bottoms of your feet and claiming you were a medical mystery.
Teflon bitches. Nothing fucking sticks to this kid, not even a kid. Maury Povitched this shit outta that situation.
Whoever owns the butter that i always steal out of the office fridge definitely put THC butter in there this time. Shit just got real.
"Wait, who's gun did I have?" Moments when you re-examine your life choices.
I seriously need to grocery shop. I have a slice of cheese, and alcohol.
SCOTCH AND CIGARS AT THE TITTY BAR. YOU ARE COMING WITH US.
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
Preface: Im drunk. But i think id make a good assasin. That is all.