I'm totally counting that party when he kept putting his hands down my pants as a date.
I faked it too. I just spit on your bed.
Your excuse of not making us Mac and cheese was that you couldn't find 6 cups of water...
You blacked out and walked in on my neighbor breast feeding at 3am yelling "where is my best friend". I think we should go apologize.
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You yelled "hold my dick" before you tackled the guy away from the dj and two random girls moved to actually hold it, then argued about it. I want that whore aura!
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
Then mom squeezed my boob and said, "Dad would go nuts if I had these..."
Dear Jesus. Send me strength to not suck cock this morning.
Depending on which video of him streaking you watch, you can see me passed out in the front row.
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How could she say that about my foreskin when she hasn't even seen all the cool stuff I can do with it?
His roommates came in the room and were throwing snowballs at us while we were hooking up.
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
She has that type of face she reminds me of that weird girl from napoleon dynamite only taller and with hoop earrings.
How do I figure out the name of this sleeping naked guy in my bed?
I would definitely ride that dick into the sunset if nuggets are involved