How did I get so drunk? We had to fish that girl out of the Goodwill Donation Box.
I found my crush's facebook page. And his wife's. Apparently they are still in love. Of all the people to have happy marriages! Fuck, I'm depressed.
Great, now everyone thinks I've had giraffe semen in me
I just got over my period in 3 days...I believe that is god's way of saying "go fuck an amazingly attractive Italian boy on vacation"
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We need to buy some popsicles so we can remind ourselves we're good at this.
We're drinking vodka. Wine is for people who have to wake up in the morning.
I'm laying in my house looking at chocolate pudding drip from the ceiling onto my partially erect penis... Yay for shrooms!
It's really not cool dreaming about going into labor with your ex boyfriends love child as you're sleeping next to him.
jut tell him gently that you'd rather spend more time with his dick than his face
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Then years and years after that I will send you a picture of my warped vagina from all the kids that I had.
Ah well. Drinking wouldn't be drinking without mystery bruises
Stop your judging. I got free booze AND an oil change. You're the one whose always saying we're spending too much money.
And then I discovered that while drunk last night I called the NAACP and left an angry voicemail demanding they fix the racism at my school
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
Oh. My. God. It is NOT okay to drink Johnny Walker when there is no Jameson. My skull is eating my brain.