Drunk at a girls little league game. Hello summer.
he said he has something really important to tell me but isn't ready yet. It's either that he loves me or has herpes
Just tell your wife to stay in the car because you are self conscious about drinking infront of her. Now you have a DD AND we can still have a good time.
Not sure I just ate a really big pot brownie, I feel like my future is uncertain
Its not even real halloween yet. This extremely toxic yet briliant costume is going to kill me
he may or may not have motorboated me on the steps of the library of congress
I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
About 98% sure I just walked by some dude jerking it in the library. I'm guessing his college experience isn't going as planned
I'm perplexed as to why anyone on this planet is straight
do you know of a way I can die but like NOT die? like not being unconcious, just ascending to an astral plane for a few weeks or months in real world time so i can sort my issues out away from the rigors of life kinda deal, you know?
Of course I fucked her, her man stole my bike when we were kids
Dude, no, you tried to sleep on the stove. I mean. You were pissed when I stopped you... but I couldn't have you catching on fire in my house.
I really would enjoy sexual intercourse with you.
Most formal booty call EVER
Can u pick up some lemons on the way? I have Tequila and a sore throat..I need them for both
We all love a big dick, but you’re going to develop a reputation if you keep asking every guy at the bar ‘how big your dick’
That’s all I’m saying
Randomize
