Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
I heard from anne today. She has a broken collarbone and is knocked up. Apparently florida is awesome
four loko is officially banned. leave it to the kids from a state school to fuck it up for everyone
Hey on the reals though tomorrow if i take you out to lunch as just a friend will you also suck my cock as just a friend?
Did you get your crutches off the street sign?
she looked at me completely serious and said "orgasms are 15% Stronger during a hurricane" and started to take all her clothes off
5am, I am wayy too drunk for this. Hookers came out of nowhere. They're like ninjas. Some poor soul got the fat one, tomorrow's going to be interesting...
Phone sex soon? I mean date. Sex date. Date phone.
all 3? possibly?
I think I'm up to the challenge.
Just found the last picture of me as a virgin. Framed it.
I almost drank vegetable oil. Where were you? I needed you.
Her delivery came. She's ordered a pack of 144 condoms.
Like if Ohio doesn't think I can get smashed on wine I will gladly prove them wrong
Have you ever drank bourbon in your underwear while wearing a Santa hat and reflecting on the decisions of your life? Asking for a friend.
Sex on the trampoline with your two best friends cheering you on: PRICELESS.
Dude if I had a dollar for everytime she asked me to do weird shit with her when we were fucking I'd have like 4$
Randomize
