well I can't set my house on fire every night
As far as classy things to do in front of your ex go, throwing up on your own shirt is not one of them.
I just spent an unhealthy amount of money overnighting a full adult sized Trix Rabbit Halloween costume
lets have sex before this no shave november shit gets outta hand.
it felt like a thousand fairies were licking my balls.
No, I'm not keeping her! I can't become an adulterer and a dog stealer in the same 24 hours...
Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
She had YOLO tattooed on her ass. Like, one cheek said YO, the other said LO. Even I can't handle that level of hot mess.
So when I eventually, if ever, find someone I'd like to marry, do you think having people fly to africa for a lion king themed wedding is too much?
Please just fuck her. She's new to LA and doesn't know anyone nice.
I woke up in a hospital at three in the morning only to realize my pee is now going to be orange. I've grown to realize I've made all the right decisions
You gave me the best orgasm of my life. I'm buying you a house
I'm slacking. We've been hooking up for months and I have yet to bang him while he's wearing the clown mask.
Scary. I hope people take me seriously. Maybe I should black out less to be sure
I'm hung over and my mom made me go to church. I feel like such a sinner.
I need an aspirin and some dignity.
Randomize
