is there anything more depressing than unpacking condoms from your suitcase that you thought you were going to use on vacation?
you're out of your mind
you look like daphne blake and he looks like fozzie bear
it's like he rubbed a lamp and wished you into existence
these 2 russian guys walked past me and i got freaked out because i thought call of duty got real
Just farted cum and thought I shit myself. Crisis averted tho
i wanted to tell my neighbors to shut up it was 4am, but listening to her rag on him for his minute man routine was actually entertaining
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
don't you miss freshman year when you could get away with "but i've never given a bj before..."
i don't know at this point bringing the fog horn might be a good idea...
I gave ten strangers a full description of his penis and its abilities. I need to stop drinking.
I will fight anything that is not spinning right now
Struggs. It's also 90 degrees out but I'm not sure I can feel heat or cold any more. Too hungover.
I promise not to drug you or anything. Please come to my birthday party.
Just put an ad on Craigslist for a fake groom... I'm sure only non creepy sane people will respond to it
I'm pretty sure my roommate is moving out because her cat likes me better
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
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