I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
I love when I'm alone in the house. It's like pants were never invented.
no they seem fine, they're doing push ups and waiting for a charging toy helicopter
You were rubbing your foot on one of your legs and kept saying, "My sock feels like a waterslide!"
He's just a really nice guy who stuck his tongue in the wrong place.
your fridge is broken, your sock drawer is full of snow, and you flipped off the whole stadium on the big screen. I'd say it went well.
I think I have a bro crush.. When I imagine him, I imagine him waking up to go take a shower and just finding three bitches making out waiting for him. Like that awesome.
The bartender had to walk me home last night. New high or new low?
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
You spent the whole night conversing with your zombie poster, so I'd say you were pretty far gone.
All I did was call him a fucker when he took my pot. He didn't have to arrest me.
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
There were a lot of gay moments in between the Strippers and coke
I was grinding with girl while I was eating french fries, and she turned around to hook up with me. She ate my fries.
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