Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
Twist it, pull it, flick it... Bop it was like the first time I touched myself.
I wish I could rss feed the hooker ads on craigslist because it looks suspicious that I check craigslist every hour.
how can i incorporate a boy scout uniform into what i do tonight?
Do you think my parents will accept my drinking habits more if I told them I like to drink every night because I take good shits the next morning?
If you bring me a slurpee and advil I will eat you out for like an hour.
She was trying to fuck the exchange student from France. His English is really bad and the music was loud so she just pointed to a beer bottle and then her vagina.
I just sent her mug shot out in a mass text because I hate her and her cocaine eyes are hilarious.
You started throwing frozen shot glasses at people and you kept saying "it's fine, they melt."
Your stories are the best. I feel like you're a spy among the heteros. It's not fair.
I'm not drunk because I think my blood just is alcohol from last night so being drunk is sober. If that makes sense
You took motorboating me in public to a whole new level. You poured your beer down my top and LAPPED IT UP.
I think I'm pregnant again.
or as we call it, thursday.
I'm sitting in my car avoiding a customer. Apparently the new year hasn't affected my attitude nor work ethic
So many questions so I’ll prioritize. How did I survive last night?
Randomize
