I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
I hope God doesn't listen to everybody on a Saturday night.
My 54 year old father just sent me a YouTube link on my school email titled "Walrus sucks his own dick" and then wrote in the email "I wish I were a walrus". What the fuck is wrong with my family?
i should not be allowed to orgasm that much in one day.
but he gave me mouthwash after the bj. no ones ever done that for me before.
I tried to stop that, but then I pulled the leaves out of my panties and went to sleep.
Thank you contacting dial-a-boner. Currently, our boner is on a run to service another client. You can either wait 2 hours for service, or share concurrent service with the current client.
It was a great idea until we got stuck in a ditch. We had to call redneck cousin 1
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
I unknowingly motorboated my boyfriend's ex-gf last night. Yay me!
Note to self: if you decide to go to the gym when you're coming down from your day high to shoot some hoops, do NOT play pickup basketball with the big black dudes who need a sixth
IM SO HIGH RIGHT NOW, IM WHAT ROCKET MAN WANTED TO BE WHEN HE GREW UP. ELTON JOHN CAN BLOW ME.
I'm trying to be sexual and you're sending me smashmouth lyrics
Also, I'm not that drunk, but I'm thinking of pulling the blinds all the way up and casting some porn up onto the living room TV to establish dominance over our neighbors.
Randomize
