he shattered multiple jars of jelly against his roommates doors last night. this morning the asian one wouldn't even talk to him because he thought he was gonna get beaten up
should we take a power nap before our cocaine gets here?
I just ate a cashew that looked EXACTLY like your dick.
She should get an extra 30 days for that Georgia Rule movie......terrible.
she kept her crown on the whole time i was giving her birthday sex
I don't know who the girl crying at my kitchen table eating gravy from the KFC container is, but I feel like she could be my soulmate
Hate the very realistic pregnancy dreams. Like my dream when I birthed the pirate ships. SO REAL...
On my way to the DMV to get arrested
Hey.. there are 2 people i've never met before spooning in the bathtub. Please elaborate on what went down last night.
His phone pocket dialed me while he was crapping. He was quietly singing stayin alive and possibly passing his intestines.
Why are you awake at 6am and liking photos from rando Russian chicks on Instagram?
Look outside and see if the septic tank explodes when I flush this.
Figured out why that fly won't leave. It keeps buzzing through my weed smoke
Fly high, Fly.
When I am this hungover I become increasingly grateful for having my own private office
He asked the waiter, at 6:40 am, drunk, if they served alcohol. After he said no, he's like 'well, I guess we can eat then.'
Randomize
