I think, one-on-one, Paul Rudd could be very threatening in like a REALLY good way.
i just peed out my two story window using my cell phone as a flashlight . hope the neighbors didnt see
Apparently the last thing they remember of me was me stumbing into a bathroom, then falling out 5 minutes later clutching a butter knife repeating "ketamine goes in my face hole"
got extra credit for showing up to class before a holiday. it hit me 5 minutes later that she meant easter....
she was stripping to whiskey lullaby. most depressed boner.
Thanksgiving. This year's theme: I am thankful that I still have a liver.
Thank you for making it possible for me to get laid while having peace of mind my dog is well taken care of.
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
Uhh... I think I meant "Be proud, I'm taking shots before my public speaking test." "Coffee and vodka is not good" and "Also, I'm giving blood drunk."
IF THE GUY WHO I AM BORROWING OUR CAR FROM FINDS ONE CONDOM OR JIZZ STAIN IN THIS CAR HE IS GOING TO CASTRATE MY ASS. SERIOUSLY, DON'T FUCK IN THE CAR.
"I'm pretty sure all our toasts were to Ben Afflecks penis last night."
not sure when or how we ended up at this wedding party but you need to be here they are handing out screwdrivers and Yamakas to everyone and it's a got damn open bar you need to be here now
I don't want to go back to the suburbs. Being drunk in public isn't ok and theres too many children. Don't make me.
Accidentally made a bowl of macaroni and cheese with a bottle of vodka. It's not that bad
i woke up this morning with a fake eyeball in my pocket
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