he mailed me a thank you note for the blowjob.
It's kind of sad that your greatest accomplishment today is that you stood up and didn't fall down.
While we were having sex he told me "this is what you get for not parking my car right" I have never drove his car. He was that kind of weird.
I'm not sure how appropriate a drug deal is while at a wake.
I got pulled into the conversation by "she sleeps with everybody" then "she" involved sleeping with "cocks the size of a viva burrito"
True. On an unrelated note I helped post bail for both of our ex girlfriends last night. Russian roulette: guess which one is pregnant?
Carpeing THE FUCK out of that diem
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
I hear fucking Christmas music. I'm going to find fucking Santa and tell him to suck a dick and shut up for the next month
She's in the bathroom. Literally just told me she could make a guy cum using just her words. Not bad for Sunday brunch.
I found an inside smoking lounge. I'll be here for the next 4 hours. A nice old Canadian lady has befriended me and let me use her lighter. Fuck Hartsfield-Jackson AND this layover. I win.
I lost the back to your old name tag last night in a girls shirt. It got me a view of some titties though, I guess in some way you're still doing your brotherly deeds
I woke up on a boat next to an extremely attractive man wearing nothing but a life jacket. Neither one of us owns a boat...
Moral of the story: fuckboys never change
I know you won't see this for awhile, but I had to tell somebody, and you're like the only person who won't judge me for having an accidental erotic encounter with General Tso's chicken.
Randomize
