If I had a penis I would totaly hang shit off it. Like stretched out peach rings and fruit rollups.
Hurry up. We're trading phones to prevent drunk texting.
I ran a string through all of my old vicodin bottles and strung them on the tree. Tis the season.
These headphones make me feel like I'm sitting on John Mayers lap and he's singing just to me. I picture like a pitch black room with a single spotlight on us. Also, convinced Kyle to give me percocet soo.
using the campers leftover pizza money at the bar. Definition of great counselors right here.
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
He turned down jacuzzi sex. He cares more about my vagina than i do.
Shirtless guy staggering down the sidewalk, puking into a Prada shopping bag. Ahhh, the walk of shame in Boystown.
Totally forgot we howled at the full moon last night... It's safe to say Tuesday Boozeday is my new favorite day of the week
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
Would you like to get an apartment bong? It can be like our pet and we can give it a name.
Nothing better then waking up to multiple snap stories of people doing body shots of tequlia off of you
I mean I'm sad it didn't work out but tbh he he can't unlick my booty hole or unbreak his headboard... He won't forget my name ever
I'm gonna tell the medical examiner that your cause of death was over-arousal.
That awkward moment when you bring a guy back to your place then have to tell him you only have magnums.
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