I was 10 minutes late leaving for lunch today because I couldn't lose a boner. It is impossible to tuck it when your shirt is tucked in...gotta quit facebook stalking hot chicks at work
He sent me a pic and IT CURVED OUT OF THE PICTURE! Curved. Out. Of. The. Picture.
Either you made a spaghetti vodka smoothie last night, or you puked in the blender.
Because of him my new motto is "Keep calm and fuck a guy with a beard". Yes, I am serious.
I like how my motivation to lose weight is so I can wear a nude bikini and get covered in body paint for the tribal party. Priorities.
GOOD NEWS I CAN BRING THE VODKA IN MY LUGGAGE
Don't Richard Nixon her vagina
According to timehop today marks the 3rd anniversary of my 1st blackout
i'm sitting in my room 'bout to smoke a bowl. also, i found out that you don't need a permit to own a tiger in wisconsin, so we're buying one when we move in together.
HE WAS CUMMING IN THAT DICK PIC
conclusion: canadians have really freaky sex
What did you do with the dog when you went into the club?
coat checked
I drank Dr. Pepper and instant breakfast mix together and threw up sober for the first time.
Im sitting on the floor of the hotel room eating nachos and drinking coffee. People should learn to embrace their hangovers
Jack said he hasn't jerked off in like two weeks and he's like a smoldering volcano who wants to bury you like Pompeii with his man gravy
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