Right on... I dropped my chapstick
I blacked out
What do you want me to say to her? "Oh hey, I need to borrow your soon to be husband to make a porn, cool?"
Sometimes I wonder how different my life would be if I didn't share a weekly margarita with my mom since i was 12
That white girl was surprised to see orange pubes around my black cock. Happy Halloween!
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he got mad becuase i made more noise when he gave me a back massage then i do when we actually have sex
He equated my biology degree to a belief in Santa. I wonder if he heard the doors to my vagina clanging shut.
Oh, and also, a couple of straight girls showed up. But they ran away.
This is a rough morning for me
No, rough is puking in your froyo cup next to a five year old and her grandma.
I found his belly button lint in my hair. Can't say it was worth it.
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At the start of the night I was all 'come at me universe' and three hours later I was ordering an extra large pizza in bed in the dress I had gone out in. Well played universe.
I feel like Jeremy snapchattong while we're fucking is a perfect example of our generation..
I've entered the world of uncircumcised penises. It's disgusting.
oh. oh my god. i just had lunch with my mom with semen still on my face.
U sent me lyrics to wind beneath my wings
My liver misses your liver
would it be awkward if i bring my husband?
only if i fuck you in the bathroom while he's paying the check
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