My grandpa is talking about laundry and he asked if i could run a "small hot load." Wow. I had to leave the room.
so how much must it suck for him to know that the penis of his best man has been in his wife's mouth before?
The guy in front of me in lecture is using a fifth of smirnoff as a water bottle.
Nevermind, it's not water.
I tried telling you she just blew me in the bathroom but you were too busy making out with her to listen
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Breakfast=the leftover margarita in my car. Have a great day.
Well, I found the missing blow... in my fucking suitcase... THIS MORNING. Yeah, I flew from FL to NY with blow in my suitcase yesterday.
I told you to check, dude
Yeah, AFTER I checked my bag and I was already sitting on a plane. Oh well. I figured worst case I'd do like 15 hours in county and I was totally prepared for that anyways. I always prepare for that when we hang out.
nope. just stoned. wishing i had a golf cart.
Hooked up with a guy resembling a bearded Cher. I need the lenses on my beer goggles fixed. Pronto.
I woke up to a stripper (who added me on Facebook) messaging me reminding me to cancel my card if I can't find it
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm serious. I have boob tassles if this is an exchange thing.
I nicknamed her "Jackhammer" for the way she gave me a handjob. My balls were in constant pain
I responded with revoking his blow job privileges. Needless to say, he's learned his lesson.
Sex on the trampoline with your two best friends cheering you on: PRICELESS.
kind of bad when u call a cop an asshole for driving you home from the bar
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
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