He wanted to take me out and said we could "go huntin in the woods."
Turns out, Windex will cut right through semen stains on a computer case.
Tell your boobs to stop staring at me.
I have 250 contacts there has to be someone sober to take me to taco bell
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She tried to escape and she fell and hit the door. She's gunna freak when she wakes up with only half a tooth.
In all seriousness...vodka, almond milk and chocolate syrup make a decent white russian.
Are we hungover?
I got a lapdance from a gay guy in red uggs and spandex shorts with reindeer antlers on. And I don't remember it. Hungover does not even cover it.
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
Got high with dad and hunted squirrels in the basement. Is this seriously what my life has come to?
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if it doesnt flame it aint got game is a bad drinking motto eyebrow-wise.
eyebrows regrow, your balls dont
Nothing says "First Single Holidays" quite like getting baked with the guy that took your virginity four years ago.
Also, totally got laid in my yellow rubber boots and it was awesome.
I swear I was in Legend of Zelda Twilight Princess and American Ninja Warrior at the same time. I'm never getting high while rock climbing again.
Umm... When he walked in I shot him with my confetti gun... It's a wonder my booty calls even show up.
Dick is healthier for you than green beans
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