Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
We need to talk in the morning. The guy I was with just interpreted me taking off my earrings as code for "let me take off my pants."
I'm doing laundry in pjs and heels, home alone with my margarita bucket.
I woke up in a place I've never been before, with people I've never met before using me as a table for domino's.
who paints a picture of their own dick and sends it to people. i dont know if its borderline crazy or just fucking genius...
I dont know, my roommate got arrested but I'm gunna get some tacos no matter what
rolled over to window for cup of snow instead of leaving bed for water. that's how hungover
How does "I'm not drinking tonight" turn into body shots?
Im walking to an ob gyn practice session right now. Literally have to get face first in a middleaged vagina in 10 min.
you know that moment when all the alcohol kicks in and suddenly you realize the bar is very loud and you just want to bite someone sexy and ride their face i am kinda at that moment
If a clean cut ginger with a flannel and tattoos shows up at the apartment, he is allowed inside.
I don't want my vagina anymore.
HE LEFT ME THE DAY AFTER I LET HIM PEE ON ME. If you date him after that, I'll leave the fucking PLANET.
he woke up this morning, drunk as fuck, butt ass naked, and he had left grandmas gun on the counter and doesn't know why.
She's still mad at me for saying she looked pregnant and not getting her chicken nuggets.
Randomize
