good. and stop kissing my girl you dirty slut.
i don't think she's still your girl..plus, she kept screaming "kiss me! i'm a lesbian!" last night so i think you're outta luck..
I don't think he's ever woke up with a paraplegic stripper sitting on his face before.
hey everyone... booty call? my house tonight. bring friends to fuck my friends.
Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.
The saltiness of my tears mix perfectly with the tequila.
Apparently, I woke him up at 4AM, and yelled "you're mad because we don't have sex," while grabbing his dick. Then immediately fell back asleep, dick in hand.
Just found a partially digested mushroom under my bed. Thanks for that.
When are you not under some influence?
Since last Tuesday...yesterday.
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
I've been on this train for an hour and this women has been on the phone and all she's said is "guuurrrrrlllll, gurl, gurl." I may commit suicide.
Champagne pong turned into an expensive and painful experience.
He said, "cum on daddy's dick!" ... I pictured my dad. That just scarred me for life.
Found a trail of Taco Bell hot sauce packets through the garage to our back door and cheese in my bra. I'll say it was a successful Sunday Funday.
Too hungover to brush my teeth. took a swig of menthol schnapps instead. lazy or incredibly efficient?
Youre my hero
Let's get this straight. I am six fucking feet tall. Do you even understand how limited my options in guys to date are? No. Did you see my last three boyfriends? I looked like a fucking giant next to them. So I will fuck this six-foot-seven Italian model even if I am the ugliest girl at this party because, goddammit, I deserve to.
Randomize
