The guy I was getting with last night took off his purity ring mid-sex and threw it across the room.
I just want to go some place where I can have a nice night. Grind on men who speak no English, make out with a girl, and not feel judged.
He walked into the party with a case on one shoulder and a boom box on the other of course I fucked him
I remember convincing the limo driver to smoke with us and if he did I would name my first son after him.
hey you knew what you were in for when i showed up with 2 fifths of Jim. plus i left money to pay for a new sink
Do you think if I puke at the gym they think is because I'm going hard walking on the treadmill?
He said last night that he'd never had such a great conversation and such a great handjob at the same time.
Cant wait to drunkenly tell by kids that i banged their aunt katie in a weird threesome
I am making pancakes and watching Spongebob Squarepants. My life is a waste of youth.
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
She's opening her family birthday cards at the bar. So we can pay our tab. Bitches wrote checks :(
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
Lol I'm just saying its too early for your penis, I can accept it but at a more decent hour
Randomize
