The next morning she woke up and asked who I was and where she was.
Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
I tried to tell him it was only 2:00, but he said since it was 5:00 in New York, it was perfectly acceptable. He then put on a Blues Brothers hat and a pair of wayfarers and left. I expect him home in a few hours with a police escort.
There is a keg full of gin. THERE SHOULD NEVER EVER BE A KEG FULL OF GIN.
Too late, the blunt's already in my cleavage
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
I ended up giving him head, i think it was mostly a defensive move so that he wouldn't discover i was wearing those onesy spanx
do not give him the "i just had sex cake" i repeat DO NOT give him the cake. things didn't go well
please come over and have sex with me so we can talk about prom and kill 2 birds with one condom
I feel like letting the same guy who shot him dig the pellet out of his leg with a pocket knife was the bigger mistake
My name in their phones is "That Girl". If i can't get it to go away, I might as well live up to it.
I've been smelling a baby wipe for three minutes. I didn't think I was that drunk but I guess I am
I told him we could use my stove to make weed brownies, from that point on he kept reffering to me as "best pledge ever"
I can empathize with sociopaths, serial killers, demons, gods, and monsters....straight white males are literally the only barrier to my 100% empathy rate. I don't get it.
I think I'm dead. Also I think I stole $20 from a stripper.
You did. Then gave it to me.
Randomize
