This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
Want any specific kind of beer?
Yeah. Alcohol flavor.
Got it. Anything but Miller.
Haha I wonder if my burp offended him. So I gave him a fist pump to signify how friendly I am
We were naked in his bed when he asked me "what should we do?"
he was drinking wine. Puking into an empty water bottle. And eating french toast. ....All at the same time.
Birthday was great, I got entirely too drunk and made really poor life decisions. It was everything a birthday should be.
He yearns for your heart.
He needs to stop being a pussy about it.
What the hell do you have that is more important than a GIANT WATER SLIDE?
Of course it may just be the context. A dish of dog food would look lovely next to your breasts.
she fell THROUGH the wall. All in all id have to say that my neighbors where pretty chill about it tho.
I AM EATING BACON AND CHEESE. FUCK THE BULLSHIT.
If she gets mad at me, that only means more free time for me. I like to put myself I win win situations. Despite being in a relationship, I still find ways to accomplish my goals.
I'm going to book club and then I'm going to get laid. Being in your 20s ain't so bad sometimes.
Just in case you forgot, last night you came home drunk and pissed all over my laptop. You owe me a laptop.
He’s disease free and drives a Porsche. What else does a girl need?
Randomize
