i just got a Mexican deported. not sure how to feel.
so just incase you wake up on the couch wondering how you got there--you came home at 7am, put ice in a cup--then you proceeded to put the cup in the microwave and melt it because you "wanted water". you then, fell down the stairs while saying "you don't know me" then crawled to the couch.
Just once I'd like to throw a party where I don't have to clean up someone else's blood the next morning.
We never did figure out who the stuff on the wall came from, did we?
I need to stop getting so excited when a guy unzips his pants and its bigger than my boyfriends. I look like a kid in a candy store.
How bad would it be if I wore out the dress we got peed on in. You're the only one who knows.
Would giving a bouquet of flowers to my mother be a good way to say, "sorry you walked in on my boyfriend eating me out"?
When you put my balls in your mouth i just want to buy you expensive gifts...you know what i mean?
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
Basically she credited me and my dick pic for boosting the moral of all the Safeway workers
I love that there are toys on the counter. Coffee, tea, wine bottles, gag ball, and handcuffs.
My kitchen gets me.
Can't tell if waking up covered in easy mac is the sign of an amazing or terrible night
Threesomes are not as fun as you'd think. I left with a black eye and I'm not sure who's to blame.
You know its an epic night when omar the garbage man gives you a ride home at 6 in the morning.
It's bullshittery. It's asshattery. It's complete fuckery at its finest.
No offense, but I don’t think I would want to see him in anything skimpier than a hazmat suit.
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