Never eat 3 McGriddles and drink a carton of milk. It's like you're successfully killing self but you're alive.
We just spray painted his balls while he is passed out....I cant wait to see him try to figure this out in the morning.
your idea of a balenced meal is a microwave frozen burrito, a cup of ramen noodles, and a can of budlight. honestly tell me how your resolution is to lose weight,
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
i'm surprised you didn't wake up. like i literally came when he was fingering me as i was spooning with you and all you did was mumble "that's a good idea, mom" and pull the sheets away from me.
Oh, and trying to figure out who wants to do Molly in a frat is like asking damn children if they want puppies and candy. So just bring as much as possible.
Do you know what your brother wants for his birthday?
Yeah he said he wants a decent blowjob for a change.
.......
I'm just looking out for you.
Nothing says "lifelong friendship" like FaceTiming in a sex shop.
I also got a mission for you and you're gonna love it. Biggest. Hospital. Party. Ever.
He said I was really mad at him on Friday. Dude I fell asleep in all my clothes and shoes, with my flashlight on, on my phone... I could have been mad at the wall. It wasn't my classiest day.
I also woke up in a guys bed in a Reptar shirt yesterday morning staring at a movie theater sized poster of the not as popular Air Bud franchise movie Super Buddies.
anyways, do you want to make more embarrassing memories that im bound to remind you about later and laugh about?
Just paid for birth control in all ones do you think she is judging me?
He is obviously into the really short sex we have.
That guy u hooked me up with kept calling me james while were doing it...
Randomize
