A girl just told me I should smile because I was surrounded by hot girls. I told her that clearly beauty was in the eye of the beholder. And she slapped me!
I feel like tequila is Gods way of lighting my fuse to do something awesome
Her vagina felt like a horse was eating an apple out of my hand..
while 90% of the female population goes to worship a fictional character tonight at midnight, I will be taking advantage of having the bars ALL TO MYSELF.
i've got to stop sleeping with short guys. they always turn into stage 5 clingers
THC water in my coffee on the way to work. How's your Tuesday?
I had a moment while I was smoking where I was looking at these palm trees and I knew how dr Seuss came up with his characters.
I will also take that commission in the form of weed. Pass that on to the asst. manager.
YOU NEED TO STOP BLOWING DUDES ON MY COUCH AT MY PARTIES
YOU NEED TO STOP PROVIDING TEQUILA AT YOUR PARTIES
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
we got kicked out of the bar last night for sneaking into the back kitchen and eating handfulls of cheese in the walk in fridge
Who's the naked guy asleep in your car?
Fuck him and his perfect arms, huge penis and relentless ability to ignore me.
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
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