I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
I'm playing with the baby I just found in your kitchen
Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
yeah he couldn't walk in a straight line and started throwing up and told the cop he just has an astigmatism
$1 margaritas. This happy hour needs to end.
i left the icescrapper in his bathroom. i dont remember taking it there, but i remember brushing his hair with it.
Decided against hooking up with creepy stalker guy for a ride to work. I feel I've earned a few self respect points back.
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
No more co-pays for contraceptives. Whoever says Obama is a bad guy has clearly never had a pregnancy scare.
Can you plz delete the video of me twerking in Waffle House, my mom just got a vine.
Just please don't close your legs while I'm down there again. I don't want my death to be labeled as "Head crushed while giving an individual cunnilingus".
I'm a stupid stupid woman who is totally going to rock this holiday season dick drunk on that Ginger
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
I’ve chosen to watch a Mercedes station wagon drive around the Austrian in the rain because it’s live sports. If that doesn’t explain 2020, I don’t know what does.
Randomize
