i wish there was a photo editing effect that fully opened my drunk eyes
they were having a wine tasting so i tasted every wine...then knocked over an entire display of gourmet olives and was asked to leave... but they still let me buy my 6 bottles of wine before escorting me out
So you plan on doing double washing machine sex? Like. A double date. But with sex. On a washing machine..?
Mystery solved. Def had ice creme last night. There is a melted half eaten ice creme bar next to the bed. Which had melted onto my pillow. That explains why it was in my hair too. Im a fucking sherlock holmes over here.
Me and this 7 year old almost finished a large pizza. And when I say me and this 7 year old I really mean me.
Random Survey Question: If things start getting serious with this cop, do I have to stop doing coke?
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
Not yoga, whiskey. Totally mis-typed whiskey.
He knocked me in the face with the phone during my light show. Didn't even feel it. Ecstasy is amazing
The pee I just pissed was about 7% better than the one at your house. But both are pretty far up there.
He said it only counts if it ends up on the internet
Hey I just woke up in the back of a pickup truck parked at taco bell... Can u come get me?
Please stop telling my mom she doesn't have nipples when she's been drinking. You know shell show you. Forcefully.
Do you realize our room single-handedly hooked up with most of that wedding party last night?
I have acquired a mango...tonight is successful so far
Her name is susan
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