Definitely just put my car on cruise control so I could stick my head out of the sunroof while driving to taco bell.
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
I still have a scar from the last time she gave me a handjob. There is NO WAY i'll stick my dick anywhere near her again
I plan on having so much gay sex in our house while you gone.
Are sex swings allowed in dorms
Gonna play a drinking game called drink til I feel my emotions. The things I do so I can be a therapist
Here's to not getting arrested this year on thanksgiving again. Cheers bitches!
I just interrupted this girl giving a dude head in a parked car on the south side. Going down on your guy while you're parked in front of your house because you don't want your parents catching you is fine by me, just don't block the fire hydrant.
Taking care of drunk people fulfills my need to be a mother
On my way to return shoes I bought so that I can afford to buy a pregnancy test. Is this adulthood?
We watched X-Files, ate pizza, and he played with my butt. It was a pretty standard Monday.
He screamed, "Let there be light!" when he came
Yes. With one-hundred percent positivity I can say yes, I do not want you covered in waffles and syrup when I come home.
thank you for the vibrator recommendation, i've come six times today and it's only noon
Randomize
