I have demons in me.
Aunt Jean just announced that her pubic hair is getting thicker as her head hair gets thinner. As a family we are just not a people of mystery.
i just overheard someone saying that they invented the 'tequila mockingbird' last night. sorry, but i found better friends
I think you begin to realize how unfair life really is when you're high and you discover that the new box of fruit by the foot on your shelf is actually empty
You look cute and you are awesome. And that means something coming from a judgmental bitch
I'll do a soapy photo shoot for you in the shower. No loofas, though. Once you get one of those caught in your nipple ring, you never go back.
If I can't get slightly excited by the thought of his face between my legs then I know I can never sleep with him.
He passed out again after sex. I've hidden all his clothes. There's no way he is sneaking out in the morning this time!
I woke him up with a blow job and he started sing "oh the USAAAA. IT'S GOING TO BE S BEAUTIFUL DAYYYYY"
I'm not going to be your wingman while you are in the hospital.
A guy with a mustache poured a beer down your throat while you had a crippled boy named Sunshine riding your back
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
You were making out w/ur brothers coach against a door when someone opened it and you both fell through... Then you continued to make out on the ground
Everything is a learning experience. Last night we learned why I'm not allowed to bring guys home from the bar....
So you completely disappeared from my memory last night at about my 15th Jager bomb. But only you. No one else.
Randomize
