Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
I wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commercials.
Public safety found my id!
And i can't find my bra so i'm assuming they found my bra with my id which would explain the disapproving tone the lady on the phone had.
sometimes i think life is slapping me across the face and laughing, saying "ha ha! you're an adult!"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm not sure if you saw my recent facebook update, but I have already put the Radio Flyer wagon to good use. I had someone pull me to the nearest bar.
Did you leave your blow razor here? I need it for crafts.
I think ill wear my dads dashiki but make it sluttier. We shall see
Hey.. there are 2 people i've never met before spooning in the bathtub. Please elaborate on what went down last night.
After i finished him. He goes "youre a champion"... Then whispers "forever"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
No gay bar. My eyemake up looks like sex and Im using these dick daggers of mine tonight.
I mean I sucked his dick at 3 AM... UNDERWATER. I think I have earned a follow back on twitter.
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
Your resume just got faxed, I also modified it a bit and sent it to strip clubs...expect weird phone calls...
I got a blow torch for Christmas. You are now permitted to be afraid.
There's not really an emoticon that says "I'm sorry I honked your boobs, and that you weren't a fan of that."
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