we tried have sex after i gave him a handjob. he wouldnt get hard and kept saying his little boy is broken.. please come get me
I still can't believe he turned down that threesome with us in central park. He must be really committed.
Well anything after a French guy would have been a disappointment. But I'm fairly certain he was just trying to masturbate into me.
she never specifically said NOT to fuck her boyfriend so technically we can still be best friends
Would you judge me if I made John grow a bush while he is in Cancun so he doesn't cheat on me?
Is it weird that i want a guy to ask me to homecoming by spelling it out in meatballs?
THATS VERY WEIRD
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
the fact that I always have. bottle of tequila in my purse is not helping my current sitch
He put his burrito in the bag with his dildo.
After tacos, we're chasing women.
If I'm going to keep blacking out this much I need to start taking more pictures.
You shouldn't play strip poker when you're having a wet fart kind of day.
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
You know you're more responsible when you turn down your bed and make a clear path to it before you go out..
I'm reading fall out boy fanfic. What has my life come to.
Randomize
