I feel like people whose favorite movie is Donnie Darko should not be allowed to talk. Ever.
I walked into my house this morning to find an 18 pack on the counter. I think that's gods way of ringing the bell for round two.
I wonder if they'd let me siphon the gas out my car before they impound it
But youre all cute and shit. Woo that cunt. And by cunt i mean strong independent woman
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I had to explain to my dentist that my tooth was chipped because we designated my mouth as the official way to open beer. I feel like our level of partying is no longer socially acceptable.
She called me her guardian angel after I picked her phone up from the river of pee coming from her front porch.
She busted her face in a tragic twerking accident. Marking the 2nd time I have peed my pants laughing.
He was supposed to visit me tonight but he decided to stop in Tacoma so now I'm sitting on my bed naked eating oranges and candy corn while I watch Parks and Rec.
Now I have to hook up with him tomorrow DURING THE DAY.
He made me brush his hair afterwards because it made him feel like a ken Barbie.
God I hope the sex was good.
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The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
you are like the bill nye of illicit activities
I don't want to get pregnant doggy style. That's sad.
He stood up through the sunroof yelling "CHOCOLATE MILK BITCHESSSS!!!! YOU AIN'T WORTH SHIT NOW!!!" the sad part is he wasn't even drunk yet. I worry about him sometimes.
If you fuck her..... You will be in great danger. Like in so much danger it would be like walking into a pit of crocodiles who haven't eaten and you also just stole their baby.
I can’t shake the image of her gigantic black unibrow. It’s like I got a blowie from Eugene Levy
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