Holy wow, I found all the old poems u wrote me back when we were in looooooooove...just sort of wild to look back on, thought u'd like that
So I'm seriously not complaining - but I just fell ass backwards into a Tuesday night threesome. Sober
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
I stole something. Which direction out are you guys gonna go
It feels like New Years Day all over again...me trying desperately not to throw up in the backseat & mom and dad blissfully unaware in the front
she just nodded and said "yeah, I'd fuck him for a reese's peanut butter cup". it's so nice to know I'm not the biggest whore living here
90 seconds of pumping and 2 months of bragging all summer. So much for my reputation here.
Wow has his pick up routine ever gotten bad. He is trying to use cheese as a way to flirt with the waitress
Oh man, he played the Harvarti cheese card and it didn't work. Now he is flailing
So his shoes are still here. And there are three contacts in a case. And a shirt on the bed. I've checked my dorm and he's not here. I'm so confused.
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
2015 is the year I FINALLY ALMOST had enough dick to satisfy me.
Hope everything goes ok. If it makes you feel better, I straightened vomit into my hair and killed a bird earlier.
Once you find out someone has a small dick, you never look at them the same again.
Sorry I totally pulled a home invasion on you last night
That was super inconsiderate of me
Randomize
