Red Bull/Vodka? You bet I'm showing everyone my penis tonight.
Our phone convo was getting intense. Then I heard her say "quiet mommy is trying to have phone sex"
I fucked him in a hamburger. literally. he has a hamburger bed.
Just found bud in my hair....gotta love curls
Is there a law against that?
Nope not at all. Just morals. But fuck it, this is college, not real life.
She took a crow from her moms Halloween decorations, taped it to her shoulder, went to the bar and made the guys buy a drinks for both her and the crow.
She just had to change the song on the radio cause I was tap dancing on her windshield
isn't that the guy who always buys you drinks?
yeah. i love a man who still buys me drinks after the bar cuts me off.
next time on intervention
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
she gave me her number and i just said "no. cant."
god it feels good to gold a bottle of opiates again.
I think that typo was actually more appropriate than what you intended.
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
I've got a bottle of water, a bag of salad greens, and a bottle of hot sauce. How stoned do you think I am?
the guy in front of me in walmart is buying a blowtorch, potato chips, and condoms. I'm curious and horrified at the same time.
6 hours ago I jacked off a a guy for $100. I explained it away as "compensation" for gas and tolls. WHAT am I doing with my life? Quickest and easiest $100 I ever made though, haha
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