omg omg i just fucked paul. i need to stop doing this kind of thing.
wait, who's paul?
exactly.
Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
aparently we are going to have sex infront of her friend. ill call you tomorrow
I just need you there to slap my dick when im flirting with her
She handed me a mouthguard and said "here, you're going to need this" that rough.
She better not be too drunk to operate a blowtorch
Did you get your crutches off the street sign?
be ready to rage tomorrow. like naked ranch dressing rage
I woke up to a head of lettuce on my nightstand, someones Honda abandoned in my yard, the cat partially shaved, and a empty bottle of sailor hanging by a scarf from the rafters. Oh, and 26 people apparently came though and rubbed my back in the process of the night. Happy 23rd to me!
You were great dude. You wanted to charge the guy with fedora $100 to get in.
I think I freaked him out last night. We got back to my place and I made chicken nuggets, chicken Alfredo, and half of one of those huge oreida hashbrown bags. And then ate all of it
It's going to be like a slumber party but with ketamine
When I type "sleep" my phone suggests "with Trevor". My phones an asshole.
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
Randomize
