I just had to explain to my father, how having two screens plugged into my computer doesn't use more internet.
before i die, we are going to oregon and playing oregon trails for real. like putting things in a hat & people will pull out whether they live or die. and they die of fun things like typhoid, dysentary, or hunting accident.
Anything that's based on a blow job I'm in favor of.
Can we just schedule bi-weekly fucks and bypass all the bullshit?
don't worry dude, we didn't fuck on your bed out of respect for you
couldn't find a condom?
basically
It's like my ice maker knows when I wanna get drunk
fuck your need to drink for whitney a thousand times last night.
He was the only guy who ever made me cry..
Who, the park ranger who made you dump out your beer on the beach?
Summary of my night: made out with a complete stranger at a club dressed in the Geico gecko costume...
Snow days are when you really appreciate that your neighbor is on your bang roster.
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
in mid sex he pointed out my great gatsby tattoo and we started discussing themes and metaphors from our fave fitzgerald novels
you need to stop fucking English majors
Dude, A DAMN CHEESEBURGER HIT ME IN THE FACE!!! WTF was i suppoused to do!?.
We got stoned and watched Disney movies all night. I think I'm in love.
I just caught your son trying to perform fellatio on himself. What do I do?
Randomize
