my goal in life is to wake up with my underwear on
my coke dealer is running a Black Friday special
mowing the lawn. still drunk. If my dad doesn't appreciate this I swear I'm dissowning everyone including him
He picked me up for our 1st date and saw my roommate crying on the floor Fabreesing her vagina...
Well as our DD it was my responsibility to get us home safely. If that meant strapping you down to the backseat using all 3 seatbelts then so be it.
As if right now I am a humanitarian. Full story to come in the morning. It involves sex.
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
didn't realize her mom was home while we were fucking, but she's oddly okay with it. she made us food afterwards. but then kept talking about having grand kids the whole time. is it time to bail?
He asked me the next morning if he fell asleep inside of me. Drunk is an understatement.
I spent all the money my grandpa gave me for Christmas last night….solid start to 2015
He said he wanted to lick the breadcrumbs off my chest
Well, i'm not hugging a bag of cheetos and crying while I watch Friends wishing that we were Ross and Rachel. So clearly I'might doing better than last night.
Throwing up while listening to NPR because I’m trying to adult through this hangover
He makes furniture for a living and is basically a hot, younger Ron Swanson
I was totes going to lose it to him last night, but I cried and we ate mexican food instead.
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