I just want to sing "highway to the danger zone" when I'm taking his pants off.
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
The new Black Eyed Peas song is the stupidest shit I've heard since the last Black Eyed Peas song.
I don't understand why we need a holiday to become more aware of boobs...
Just had perfomance review. I was told the best example of my integrity was when I told my boss I was going to fail the random drug test due to my weekend coke binge. She said that took a lot of character.
There is a mosh pit in our kitchen. You better hurry.
and now her best friend is massaging my table under the leg. this may not end well.
since when did our medecine drawer and our sex drawer become the same drawer? we now have lube covered cough drops.
I repeat the shot was ON FIRE. I am never going to a pirate bar again.
Printed off fake 'Producer' Sundance badges for us. Pretty sure they double as free passes for getting laid by 'actresses'. Testing this theory tonight.
Haha at least the one I have like that you can't tell we are completely drunk and you're about to kick a glass out of my hand in a fit of joy over pizza.
Be here at 9 and look fabulous. We have drag queens to impress.
He can't say no, it's my spiritual goddamn quest.
This is not a test of the emergency warning system. He has broken my vagina. I repeat he has broken my vagina. Damn it was good.
My dad is sitting where you rode me
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