found a dugout with weed in it in dad's car. decided to top up the weed compartment with salvia. for fun.
after a few more beers I realized that both my wife and I like Latin men.
So somehow I got from NYC to a suburban town in the middle of Jersey. At 4am. Thank god there are trains that can rectify my mistakes...
I'm sitting in my bathroom sink, eating a tuna sandwich. He had better weed than I expected.
I just want to let you know it was a unanimous decision that we would eat you first if we ever turned into cannibals, we figured with all the bacon you eat you may taste like it. It's a chance we are willing to take with your life...don't forget that we love you
Let's make a pact to never get in a cab at 3am together unless it's to go home or for pizza.
we didn't have anything to do and wanted to get our money's worth out of our costumes, so if you see two mermaids day drinking by the creek it's us
Did you mean to cry when you finished last night? Or were you just that drunk?
We shaved off his eyebrows I'm pretty sure his fiance will be thrilled at the wedding
Highlight of my night: you taking that shot of garlic butter and then throwing the empty container down on the stairs and saying FUCK.
I mean honestly, what would you have done?
Not screw her in the church house?
Appreciate the offer but I'm a huge fan of penis
Nothing makes me prouder to be liberal and socialist than the idea of desecrating the memory of Ronald Reagan
I'm sexting with a 20 year old that has a foot fetish... This is what Sailor Jerry drives me to do.
We found you walking up the on ramp to the highway carrying a 40 mph speed limit sign with no shoes on. Rough night?
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