I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
dude, never let a drunk girl playbite your dick. the doctor came in laughed and left.
i feel like my life is a cheap remake of American Pie
i have a new found respect for you. the amount of people you must have cockblocked last night is amazing
i'm pretty sure the only people calling it "sexting" are ones who don't actually do it
Woke up un the hot tuv. Climbed out fo the hot tub and fell asleeo. Woke ip again in the hot tub.
Depending on hangover severity. The fact that I can spell severity is in your favor.
I'm cheerleading for traffic. people are staring. Why am i the only high person on the way to class?
Someone spilled vodka all over the elevator floor. Bring straws.
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
Any formal decision about whether we're planning to objectify naked women with daddy issues tonight?
If I get aids I am starting a lawsuit against snapchat.
I'm still drunk. I put on workout clothes this morning and just puked in my bathroom. That's the same as going to the gym, right?
You don't marry someone you don't want to fuck senseless this is 2014 dammit
It's not stalking if you do it on LinkedIn...
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