I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
dont you remember the bouncer yelling at you while you were trying to piss?
no. why was the bouncer in the bathroom?
he wasn't. neither were you.
when she started singing "you look better when im drunk" to my cat i realized it was time to take her home
You were competing with my dog to see who had the stronger bark....
I think the tooth fairy visited me last night... after I chipped my tooth n blacked out, I woke up to my purse filled with cocaine n sequins.
She looked at my cock with a kind of resigned disappointment.
Sorry my hands just texted you
What I've learned from glowsticks: glowing things are not safe to eat
As you passed out you started to cry and say "Mufasa" over and over again making everyone else cry.
I just sucked dick on a ferry
So as you were leaving, you leaned on the table too much and 3 glasses slid and fell to the floor. You then looked at me and said "To be honest, glass isnt that expensive anyways" and stumbled out of the bar.
so i find a box of condoms inside my car with turn by turn directions to her bedroom... kinda freaked out cause she got my address and somehow inside my car
He grabbed at it like it was a stress ball or something. It's a boob, not a grapefruit. The fuck.
I KEEP THINKING INAPPROPRIATE SEXUAL THOUGHTS ABOUT YOU AND I AM SORRY.
Randomize
