Small dicks are the new regular sized dicks.
She must have been at ribfest tonight because my dick smells like barbeque sauce
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
there seems to be a considerable amount of hair missing from my left hand. i may have lit it on fire again
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
I just puked so hard I pissed myself. Outta my ass. I just won hangover of the century.
Having the sex-a-thon in the back yard led to some really odd tan lines.
Like handprints on my lower back...
I want someone to sweep me off my feet and you want someone to fuck you on the kitchen table. They're both perfectly logical needs.
So that's all you want from me. Easy ass.
And an everlasting friendship
I wish the guy I was sleeping with wasn't on house arrest.
I feel like the first time i have to use my accident insurance its going to be in some sex mishap with you.
I went to Christian school in the 90s. I can finger blast anything, but dignity.
No actually you're a pro. You puked on the cab ride, and managed to completely contain it in your purse. the cabbie was even impressed.
I'm drinking because I just started here and every single person I work with wants to quit and when I asked a coworker how she's doing she literally just started crying.
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
Randomize
