I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
I'm eating my dinosaur chicken nuggets in the order they would die in the food chain.
So, I picked up my 7 ft tall lamp post and used it to close my door. I feel quite accomplished.
Thanks for not cleaning the drain like you were supposed to. I just vomited in the shower and I had to stand in it until I was done conditioning.
where are you?
Hypothermia
She just came to my house, with puke in her hair, to wake up my dad and scream "happy fathers day you DILF!" at the top of her lungs
His personality is sparkling but nothing beats his ass
You know you're in the hamptons when it's 10pm And you kind of want to vomit white wine on rug that costs more than your apartment.
You introduced yourself and she said "wow that's a long name" and you went "yeah well you should see my dick."
HOLY FUCK I almost floated out of the city. Thank god my dog kept me down.
You know you had a good night when your wearing you best friends pants to work the next day
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
I don't know..He walked out of your room with a kraft single..and blood on his shirt...He really wanted cheese.
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
I just bought two 8 Balls of Coke from the chick nurse that stitched my leg together in the ER after my bike accident last summer.
Randomize
