Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
I'm drinking bacardi out of her mom's eco-green starbucks mug and chasing it with her sister's "for track only" vitamin water. Hello suburbia
I sat alone in Buffalo Wild Wings eating chocolate cake on Country Western karoake night. The waiter asked me if I was ok. Twice.
I can always tell its time to do laundry when my vibrator doesn't stay covered up in my sock drawer.
Is all white too much for court to prove my innocents?
There's gotta be a happy medium between the guys who only want to sleep with me and the ones that respect me too much to try to sleep with me.
Everyone looked at me like I just fucked a gopher and was wearing it like a hat
When I said to shut up, I meant it. I'm sorry you have a bald spot now, but it was necessary.
I just found that video of you jumping onto my exercise ball feet-first and face-planting into my shoe rack.
So right before she was about to give me head she tapped the tip and said "Is this thing on" I think I'm in love.
I'm to sober to make life ruining decisions and alcohol is to expensive at this bar for me to fear that level of drunk happening
I'm only wearing socks and eating tuna, don't do this to me right now.
How ya feelin sunshine?
Like a million dollars! ... That has been hit by a bus, drowned under water and beat repeatedly by a shovel.
If they start to date again I refuse to help her sext him. Helping my mom sext my dad is where I draw the line.
For the record, if you sneeze while you have a dildo in your vagina and you dont have a good grip on it, that thing can get some distance.
Randomize
