My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
We've only been driving for two hours and I'm already down 3 vicodin...I'm not going to survive this family vacation.
when i was alone, his dick was there for me...
im afraid if i stop breathing i will turn into a porcupine
After four attempts, his condom would not flush. I had to remove it with salad tongs.
There is a contact in my phone named "Bar Mcntysu." this is why we need a third person to go out with us.
I just texted him and asked him to keep some in case I need help sealing the deal.
Girl Scout cookies are like roofies for fat chicks.
Dude, you're only mentioning the Bro Code so I can't get any
I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
You have no concept of how high I am, do you?
How the hell do you misplace a bag of tacos in a closet?
I am high playing guitar hero naked. Please don't let me die this way
that's what I'm here for. I'm literally just bad advice mixed with motivational sentences.
Haha i really think theres no better way to tell a paramedic sorry for breaking your nose than a beautiful and healthy edible arrangement...
he went down on me WHILE i ate BACON PIZZA! best. boyfriend. ever.
Randomize
