dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
I walked into my house this morning to find an 18 pack on the counter. I think that's gods way of ringing the bell for round two.
Peeing off the roof of a motel lighting a cigar with matches and speaking fluent spanish with a chilen exchange student...how do iget into these situations?
I'm eating my emotions. I am no longer interested in anybody other than my own hand and vagina.
yo btw licking skeptical coke off table right now
Tell me why I woke up spooning a hamburger like it was a teddy bear.
He picked up a chick with a line about the price of used cars in Sri Lanka and developing economies. Step it up.
Check 'smoke weed with our ihop waiter' off of our To-Do List
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
I love how four vibrators are within reach of me right now, but not a single hair brush or comb
last night we were hooking up when all the sudden he just murmured "mm blonde". i don't know what to think about this situation.
You should help rebuild my confidence with your dick. Altruism: Pass it on.
Happy "I'm glad our dad made us sisters and then summarily downgraded himself to sperm donor" day.
why do i have a pole dance champion shot glass?
Going to the eye doctors drunk makes you feel like your doing a sobriety test! They have to know..
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